Monday, February 7, 2011

I’m not okay right now, but I’m going to be.

I think I lost who I am. I spent all my time just trying to find the strength to pull myself out of bed in the morning and make it through the day. If I made it through in one piece, I’d call it a good day. I spent it trying to cope. I see now that I wasn’t living at all, I was just surviving. I still heard things people were saying, but I had stopped listening. I shut out the people who make me happy. I stopped doing the things that make me happy. I stopped believing in myself and my worth.
I need to deal with these problems, I need to change that, I need to find myself again and above that- I want to be happy. The sad thing is that I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy, and I mean genuinely happy. I don’t mean smiling and pretending to be for a few minutes just so nobody asks any questions. 
That’s what this year is about for me. I’m obviously not exactly the same as I was before, but parts of me are still the same- I need to remember and rediscover those parts. And I need to find the new things, the new parts of me I haven’t found yet. 
It’s not going to be easy, it’s probably going to be one of the hardest things I’ve done. It’s going to take a long time, but I know I’m going to get there no matter how long it takes me. I’m not okay right now, but I’m going to be. I know that now.
If you desire Allah swt to be persistent in granti
ng you the thing you love, be persistent in doing the thing He loves” – Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal-